Travel to work alone today. Would usually drop Big Z at his childcare together with R but just after i step out of the lift I realise that I had forgotten to bring my breast milk storage bags out, need to detour back home for it. Even though it will take me roughly 3 minutes to get them. R had decided to go ahead with Big Z without me as he felt that it was already quite late.
MIL problems arise again on Sunday night. R spent a long time talking to his mom about it. End up MIL black face, show attitude to everyone in the house, R on his end started giving me the cold shoulder because he usually needs time to cool down. How it started? MIL complain to me that my maid was 'caught' in action by her, my new maid had drank water from her usual cup but had place it back onto the dishwasher without rinsing it first. I replied to my MIL that I will explain to the maid about it. Less than 15 minutes later, she go straight up to R and RIGHT IN FRONT of the maid she complain to R about the 'act'.
Thus resulting in R asking his mom to go to the room as he wants to talk to her privately. Before he says a word, MIL walk out, R gets angry demand his mom to return to the room, MIL says she need to go toilet. I have no idea how difficult it is for my MIL to learn manners, to simply understand that it takes just 2 seconds to say 'wait, i go toilet first', she simply prefers to take the option of walking out when we wanted to talk to her on serious stuff.
2 weeks ago before I ended my maternity leave, MIL was standing right beside me and I took the chance to try to explain to her that BB is full and it can cause stress to me people always guess that BB gal is still hungry after I have breastfeed bb. While I was still talking, she simply turn ard and walk away. I stunned for a second and immediately use a joking voice and told her 'eh mother Im still talking, thats very rude leh, why you so rude' She was taken aback and wanted to continue walk away, so I simply continue 'Mother, Im trying to explain things to you, how can you still walk away, if you talk to me and I walk away, you won't feel good too right; Than she starts replying that she 'thought' I had finish my conversation.
BULL-SHIT.
If I was talking to you and was like 'Mother, thats y I......' this kind of sentence, which part does it seem like a full-stop. So I can totally understand R's frustration when she walk out on him without saying its because she wants to go to the toilet.
In summary, R was upset after talking to his mom, MIL give black face and starts showing attitude, R on the other hand starts giving ME the cold shoulder as he was upset with his Mom and the situation and thus decided that his wife deserves to be given the cold shoulder because he wanted to be left alone.
Its a never-ending cycle. Such incident happens on a regular basis, perhaps once a week or once every 2 weeks, sometimes once every 3 days. Me, being the good wife, simply deserves to be given the cold treatment by hubby whenever his Mom causes problems again.
At work, I remain the lowest profile, I dun talk bad about people, I volunteer whenever someone needs help, I smile at everyone that walk past me, yet I get back stab by colleagues and so now my existence in office is worse than an office boy, I have no work given to me cause I'm suppose to wait til my new superior gets back in town next month. I have to pretend to be busy everyday, the thing is I just return from maternity leave, there is absolutely nothing in my plate yet I have to pretend my plate is full and I believe everyone in my office knows that.
And when I'm back home my hubby gives me the cold treatment, mil gives me the cold treatment, Yet I still have to put up my brightest smile in front of my toddler son and my baby gal. I get to sleep 3-4 hours a day as I need to express milk/ breastfeed baby gal. At work, I constantly keep a close watch at the time as I need to go to the nursing room to express milk, at the same time the fear of not producing enough milk for bb gal plague my mind every single day.
Women is prone to depression after child delivery, But I'm not given the privilege to even have a depression, because my mil and hubby shows signs of depression everyday and thus I have to remain strong emotionally. For the sake of my children, for the sake of my marriage and for the sake of my sanity.
And because R had failed his Accounting papers repeatedly, he has to repeat taking this paper every 6 months. And this resulted in additional stress upon him every few months, its like a vicious cycle.
1st month: Stress because gotten the bloody result which shows the big F
2nd to 4th month: normal
5th to 6th month: Stress because the bloody exam is coming again
(Repeat this cycle twice a year for over 5 years) and that's our life. Add in his stress that comes from his work, mil, son fall sick, and that somehow rounds up everything. And me, I'm the good wife, offering a listening ear whenever its needed, offering my warm shoulder to be thrown ice every now and than. Taking care of our son whenever hubby need timeout on his Ipad and when he is feeling down. Son was super attached to me and there was a period he sticks to me like super glue even when I was pregnant.
The benefit of all this.
In my darkest moment during work, I have no chance to get depressed. I remain strong
In my most tiring moment at home, for my son, I remain strong
For the past few months, many a time I wish to seek God once again but God, I pray that you forgive me, its not that I'm finding excuses, its not that I don't love you, don't trust you. Don't believe you can make things better. But I'm just so tired. Of everything.Please give me a bit more time to gather strength.
