I am weak but I am strong

Have no idea how to start blogging, brain feels quite dry. So many things to note down, so much emotions that I wish to pen down. But its so hard to start at the same time.

Travel to work alone today. Would usually drop Big Z at his childcare together with R but just after i step out of the lift I realise that I had forgotten to bring my breast milk storage bags out, need to detour back home for it. Even though it will take me roughly 3 minutes to get them. R had decided to go ahead with Big Z without me as he felt that it was already quite late.

MIL problems arise again on Sunday night. R spent a long time talking to his mom about it. End up MIL black face, show attitude to everyone in the house, R on his end started giving me the cold shoulder because he usually needs time to cool down. How it started? MIL complain to me that my maid was 'caught' in action by her, my new maid had drank water from her usual cup but had place it back onto the dishwasher without rinsing it first. I replied to my MIL that I will explain to the maid about it. Less than 15 minutes later, she go straight up to R and RIGHT IN FRONT of the maid she complain to R about the 'act'.

Thus resulting in R asking his mom to go to the room as he wants to talk to her privately. Before he says a word,  MIL walk out, R gets angry demand his mom to return to the room, MIL says she need to go toilet. I have no idea how difficult it is for my MIL to learn manners, to simply understand that it takes just 2 seconds to say 'wait, i go toilet first', she simply prefers to take the option of walking out when we wanted to talk to her on serious stuff.

2 weeks ago before I ended my maternity leave, MIL was standing right beside me and I took the chance to try to explain to her that BB is full and it can cause stress to me people always guess that BB gal is still hungry after I have breastfeed bb. While I was still talking, she simply turn ard and walk away. I stunned for a second and immediately use a joking voice and told her 'eh mother Im still talking, thats very rude leh, why you so rude' She was taken aback and wanted to continue walk away, so I simply continue 'Mother, Im trying to explain things to you, how can you still walk away, if you talk to me and I walk away, you won't feel good too right; Than she starts replying that she 'thought' I had finish my conversation.

BULL-SHIT. 

If I was talking to you and was like 'Mother, thats y I......' this kind of sentence, which part does it seem like a full-stop. So I can totally understand R's frustration when she walk out on him without saying its because she wants to go to the toilet.

In summary, R was upset after talking to his mom, MIL give black face and starts showing attitude, R on the other hand starts giving ME the cold shoulder as he was upset with his Mom and the situation and thus decided that his wife deserves to be given the cold shoulder because he wanted to be left alone.

Its a never-ending cycle. Such incident happens on a regular basis, perhaps once a week or once every 2 weeks, sometimes once every 3 days. Me, being the good wife, simply deserves to be given the cold treatment by hubby whenever his Mom causes problems again.

At work, I remain the lowest profile, I dun talk bad about people, I volunteer whenever someone needs help, I smile at everyone that walk past me, yet I get back stab by colleagues and so now my existence in office is worse than an office boy, I have no work given to me cause I'm suppose to wait til my new superior gets back in town next month. I have to pretend to be busy everyday, the thing is I just return from maternity leave, there is absolutely nothing in my plate yet I have to pretend my plate is full and I believe everyone in my office knows that.

And when I'm back home my hubby gives me the cold treatment, mil gives me the cold treatment, Yet I still have to put up my brightest smile in front of my toddler son and my baby gal. I get to sleep 3-4 hours a day as I need to express milk/ breastfeed baby gal. At work, I constantly keep a close watch at the time as I need to go to the nursing room to express milk, at the same time the fear of not producing enough milk for bb gal plague my mind every single day.

Women is prone to depression after child delivery, But I'm not given the privilege to even have a depression, because my mil and hubby shows signs of depression everyday and thus I have to remain strong emotionally. For the sake of my children, for the sake of my marriage and for the sake of my sanity.

And because R had failed his Accounting papers repeatedly, he has to repeat taking this paper every 6 months. And this resulted in additional stress upon him every few months, its like a vicious cycle.

1st month: Stress because gotten the bloody result which shows the big F
2nd to 4th month: normal
5th to 6th month: Stress because the bloody exam is coming again

(Repeat this cycle twice a year for over 5 years) and that's our life. Add in his stress that comes from his work, mil, son fall sick, and that somehow rounds up everything. And me, I'm the good wife, offering a listening ear whenever its needed, offering my warm shoulder to be thrown ice every now and than. Taking care of our son whenever hubby need timeout on his Ipad and when he is feeling down. Son was super attached to me and there was a period he sticks to me like super glue even when I was pregnant.

The benefit of all this.

In my darkest moment during work, I have no chance to get depressed. I remain strong
In my most tiring moment at home, for my son, I remain strong

For the past few months, many a time I wish to seek God once again but God, I pray that you forgive me, its not that I'm finding excuses, its not that I don't love you, don't trust you. Don't believe you can make things better. But I'm just so tired. Of everything.Please give me a bit more time to gather strength.

The long weekend has been a slow and unforgettable week for me.
Our drama started the weekend BEFORE.

Childcare called to inform that Z has slight fever that is on and off and ask if we can come to fetch him home because Z has a small isolated history of fever fits they feel scared when he has a fever. This comment makes me rather uncomfortable as it feels like they r assuming the fits will be a recurrent case. And though books and doctors had said that febrile fits can be common among toddlers. Apparently its the first time the teachers had encounter this.

Anyway, thankfully my mil ask to be released early from wrk, and she brought Z home. She wanted to go immed after we informed her of the school phone call at 12noon but I called up the sch to verify if Z is aslp as its nap time. True enough he is aldy aslp so no point fetching him home when he is aldy aslp. I dun understand why the teachers didnt think abt this either. But oh well.

In the  night, his butt and hands start showing little red spots. We rush him to his paediatrician whom confirmed that he had hfmd.
Thank God the following day was a Saturday which gives us some time for work arrangement. But I had really important meetings and to depend on R and his sis to take leave. I cld only be able to take half day. Never felt so awful.

We continue our KL trip on Thursday leaving Z with R's sister. Like I said again. Never felt so awful. To make matters worse, I was infected with a mild case of HFMD so I had to endure painful blister hands and feet while walking ard KL. Thankfully my case was truly non-contagious.  None of R's colleagues was infected by me.Thank God.

Sick little baby

Zyan's sickness seem much better nw. No more rashes, no obvious cough, no fever but there is still the persistent drippy nose that doesn't seem to go away. Whenever he cries, tears and mucus drip freely all over his face, lip and chin. Brought him over to my sis-in-l's place for a one night 'vacation' stay. I was soo prepared for a phonecall from them telling me my son is looking for us and wants to come running bck to our loving arms and cosy flat. But alas, little Z seem rather contend and happy in the company of 'Mei' and 'G' (her partner). In fact, the next day morning, Mei whatsapp us and told us Little Z falls bck aslp after his morning milk and hasn't woke up at all through the night. Now this caught me and papa by surprise. Because for the past 2-3 mths, Little Z wld start fussing at least once or twice a night, and wld only stop after we pacify him with a bottle of water. This means disturbed sleep for me, papa and little Z all the time.
Am still trying to figure out what's the factors that had help baby to slp through the night despite in a completely new environment. ( Zyan has never once visited Mei's place) I do agree with what a friend advise, a good 10 hr rest gives baby better immunity and less cranky. She suggested putting him to bed earlier but that wld just means him waking up a few more times for his 'water break'. We have been getting on hands on every solution that promise better immunity, multivitamin syrup, multivitamin gummy bears (on days he refuse the syrup).

Brought him to TCM last week, hoping he gets cured from the 'roots'

*twiddling thumbs*

 well just hv to take a step at a time and see hw it goes... I can't afford the time to take much leave if Little Z gets sick again. Have exhausted my family care leave and child care leave in the past 2mths alone. My work is starting to be a tad stressful now. Which I suspect is the cause of my itchy scalp, breakouts all over my upper back and zits over my entire face.

I pray oh God, let Little Z be sick-free.

The little Big bully

Spent a short and sweet morning today. Did some wiping and vacuum, leaving Baby Z to play on his own.

Past few weeks, I have sadly came to realise my cheeky little king puts on a good behavior in front of everyone except me.

With me mummy ard
1. Hug and Carry every 30mins-an hour
2. Open the fridge for food hunting every 30 mins-an hour
3. Assist in climbing onto stool for hand washing, play water 2-3 times a day
4. Open toy box
5. Open zip up building blocks
6. Switch on favorite DVDs endless times a day.
7. Bathe which includes pail for watch catchment, running tap and drowning of frog anti-slip bath mat
8. Go to door and demand to be let out.

When Daddy is ard
No 1-3, non applicable
No 4-5, self assist!!
No 6, watch at most 3 DVDs max.
No 7, bathe n go
No 8. Depends on situation

All in All, im becoming a slave to my little king and I'm in a good mind to stop this unfair treatment right now

As I mention above, ignore Baby Z and he started showing pattern, suddenly he doesn't know hw to climb down the bed and started acting the role of a distress islander whom is stuck on the evil island of fluffy pillow and bolsters.

I hide away and saw him sitting up contendly playing with my bag and all it's contents until I made my grand appearance. For which the expression did a 360 change instantly he became a lad in distress.

Continued to ignore him, but after I'm done I bring him to bathe, made him milk and Voila he is back aslp now after awake for just 2.5 hrs.

Hope he is gonna stay down for an hour at least so that mummy can hv time to wash up and eat in peace

Spot the Baby

Little Zyan had his second allergy reaction on Sunday, had fever initially than over night, spots starts popping out all over. This time round, the spots expanded its region quicker and seems to be really itchy. Spreading all over his face and neck and body.

Visit to the paediatrician was full of obstacles this time round. We let Baby Z stayed home with my bro-in-law, no school, as I seriously think he won’t be let in with all the obvious spots on his face. I definitely rather he rest at home too. So when we reach home in the evening, we rush him to his usual PD clinic (“K” clinic), only to realize that his PD will be away for the next one week. And there is no other replacement doctor at the clinic. We saw nurses in the clinic but I think they are there mainly to answer phone calls.

We drove to Clementi as I recalled seeing a Chia Baby & Child clinic, only to face closed shutters with no signage that indicates anything. It was only 8pm, so I doubt they were having their dinner break.

We tried googling for other PD clinic nearby and drove around but the other 2 PD clinics had their shutters closed too. The husband and I starts to wonder if all Paediatrician in town was out on Monday night. Leaving with no other choices, we drove back home with a tired, hungry and itchy baby.

But the obstacle hasn’t end. I took a day of child care leave and woke up early in the morning, intending to bring Baby Z to the children specialist clinic at NUH (National University Hospital), I saw the clinic when I was there previously when Zyan was sent to the Children’s A&E as he develop fits during school. (Will post the back-dated story soon). I took a bus, change to MRT and finally reach the hospital only to know from the nurses that they do not accept walk-in, even if we are willing to wait. And when I ask how can I get an appointment, I’m asked to send my child to A&E and the doctors there will diagnose him and then scheduled him for an appointment a few weeks/months later. WTF.

(I later google online, and realize that I can actually just book an appointment online but at least 1 week in advance.)

Anyway and the story continues, I hailed a cab and went straight down to Gleneagles hospital, where I recalled  they have a “K” Clinic branch there. When I came to the door, I see yet another signage pasted on the door that states the doctor will be away for a week. (OMG!!!!)

I was really feeling quite lost for a moment. I decided to try my luck, and on the same level, I walked around and yes there are 2 other PD clinics. I was so glad I have brought along Baby Z’s health booklet.

And so we visited the PD clinic where a nice Indonesian Chinese lady doctor attended to us, Baby Z was diagnosed as having normal allergy reaction, and was prescribe some anti-histamine, cough and phlegm medicine. I ask for cough meds because we went to a GP previously, whom told us to just give Baby Z just Ivy leave cough syrup, and I am to buy the syrup from pharmacy as the clinic doesn't have it. I had enough of GP, will have to leave it to another post to talk about it. 

Anyway, PD told us that the rash would take a few days for it to go off. The husband and I had to take turns to go on child care leave as Baby Z is not exactly very receptive in being in the company of his ‘Shu-shu’, my bro-in-law.

Another battle won. Hope that’s it. And no more sickness. God Bless my family please.  

Yet another milestone

The crucial period of speech learning is coming real soon. Zyan was up in the morning as per usual this morning and I started saying 'Ma Ma, Ma Ma' to his face, and suddenly instead of ignoring like he always did. He look at me in the face with a playful and grin and started saying in his cute little voice, 'Ma Ma' I than tried saying 'Da-Ddy, Da-Ddy', but no response, than as I quickly try again before he lose his patience, 'Pa-Pa, Pa-Pa',he responded with the same cute voice, Pa-Pa. Success! I guess Da is a little harder than Pa for him for now. He finally learn to do his fly-kiss and also stood up his little finger to show '1' when we say '1 sweet only', ahhh, our little darling is going through yet another milestone. So proud of him. In the next few weeks, He is gonna be picking up a lot more stuff, and Im so looking forward to that.

Litle Red spots

Had a somewhat busy week. As a mom, i seem to learn lessons every week. This week, I learn never to under-estimate the cleanliness of our home.

I live in a 3-room HDB and with my MIL. My MIL keep herself contended with cleaning the house every few days with dry and wet wipes, whereas I will try to top it off by vacuuming the flat once a week if not bi-weekly. Sometimes when I'm really tired or we had too many parties to attend, it becomes once a month. Oops, I know.

The job of cleaning up the toilet basically lies on my shoulders, but Thank God for Magiclean Mold Killer. With this Magic solution. I usually get to clean up the entire toilet without breaking a sweat. Just spray generously, ReaLLy Generously at all the evident mold, the same way you kill those zombies in Resident Evil. 10 minutes later, Ta-Da! spick and span toilet walls and floors.

Once in a while, I would dust the shelves and wipe the TV console and furniture. Our lack of discipline may have resulted in Baby Z breaking out in red rashes all over his face, body, hands & legs on New Year Eve. We had a shock, thinking it could have been Hand Foot Mouth. As it was New Year Eve, we could only monitor him over 2 days before rushing to our private paediatrician Dr Darryl at Kinderclinic. Thankfully it wasn't any serious food allergy which had to be admitted to hospital. Baby Z show no signs that he was ill, as he play as hard as usual, no itchy signs, milk feeding as usual. Just seems to get sweaty pretty often.

Turns out, it is a case of skin allergy that could have resulted from Dust, House mites and others. It was awfully embarrassing, when he asked if our place was really dusty. We were advised to change his shower gel to Cetaphil($21) and his moisturizer to Physiogel ($21)

Hubby and I gotten really disappointed. Cause we went to purchase 2 Sharp Air Purifier 1 week ago when Zyan had his cough, Doctor confirmed that Baby Z had sinus, and the back-drip causes the cough. Doctor recommended us to buy an Air purifier to improve on Baby Z sinus. So to still have a skin allergy due to dust AFTER we install 2 Air purifier, we are confused. Thus we went down to Clementi Polyclinic and ask for a referral letter to NUH for a skin allergy test. We deduce it is gonna be too costly to go back to our private PD for the same test. But We are determine to find out the root cause. Our appointment is next month, so I guess in the meanwhile we can only try to take precaution as much as possible.
We have ever since, change his mattress cover, placed order for a new mattress, cause we are very sure that after 1 year of usage, all that 'clean' urine should have cause bacteria to build-up to a considerable amount. My MIL often implies that baby's urine are 'CLEAN' but I guess with the rashes, she can't argue any further.

We clean-up his toys and play yard and donated all his good soft toys away. The not so good ones were thrown away. We even hired a part-time home cleaner.

We are definitely taught a lesson. Cleanliness should never be taken for granted.